I'm · the · best · at · ruining · my · life.

Of all I knew
I held too few
And would you stop me?
If I tried to stop you?

Old songs stay 'til the end
Sad songs remind me of friends
And the way it is, I could leave it all
And I ask myself, would you care at all

When I drive alone at night, I see the streetlights as fairgrounds
And I tried a hundred times to see the road signs as Day-Glo

Old songs stay 'til the end
Sad songs remind me of friends
And the way it is, I could leave it all
And I ask myself, would you care at all

http://open.spotify.com/track/7p560I8pOWxqU20WI4uF1M

It wouldn’t be the first time I’d had a “revelation” after an extremely boozy weekend, but this time, I think I’ve really cracked something. After a year of being single, and somewhat involuntary celibate I took someone home, and everything suddenly fitted back into place - so to speak!
The following morning, I asked a good male friend of mine what my next step should be, and this was his answer: “There’s a few options you could choose. 1. Text him, and when he doesn’t reply, text him some more, and frighten him off. 2. Don’t text him, wait for him to text you, then realise you don’t really like him that much. 3. Text him now, declaring your undying love for him, and scare him off. 4. Text me instead, declaring your undying love for me (this would be an option, if he didn’t already have a girlfriend), or 5. Just chill out, send him a text on Monday asking if he wants to go for beers and go from there.”
Obviously option 5 seems like the most sensible suggestion, so why is it I’ve spent around the last 10 years practising options 1 to 4? It really is so simple, and yet it’s taken me until now to actually realise it. Why is this? Unfortunately it’s because I am a fully fledged compulsive over-thinker. I like to think that I’m in control of any given situation, and if that means playing out in my head every single possible scenario to the nth degree, then that’s just what I’ll do! It isn’t until now that I realise every time I practiced options 1 to 4 I was doing exactly the opposite.
I asked another male friend the same morning. He asked me if I liked the guy, to which I answered “I don’t really know him, but I guess I could”. He told me I should wait until 8pm, and then if he hasn’t contacted me, I should contact him, because if I didn’t then he would think I just wanted it to be casual. So now we have another option.
I’ve spent pretty much the last year complaining about being single, and then as per option 2. Arrange a “date” or wait for him to say he likes me, and then completely back off. I’ve been frightened out of dating. When I was younger the most exciting part about it was getting to know them, the start, when everything is electric. Now, it scares me half to death. This weekend though, my mindset completely changed. I’ve proved to myself I can take someone home, have some fun, and just sit back and relax. If he gets in touch? Great. If he doesn’t? So what. I know that from now on, there’s no longer an option 1 to 5. There’s only one option, but I won’t be contacting him come Monday either. If he wants to get in touch, he will, if he doesn’t, he won’t. It really is as simple as that.

I miss you.

I knew that I'd get like this again,
That's why I try to keep at bay.
Near 100% when I'm with you and then,
A perfect hearts length away.

The stickler is you've played not one beat wrong,
You never promised me anything.
Even sat me down,
Warned me just how they fall.
I knew the odds were I'd never win,
yet here I am...

It's a half life,
With you as my quarter back.
A daft life.

My self worth measured in text back tempo,
It's been 2 days and 8 minutes too slow.
Well there may well be others,
But I still like to pretend,
That I'm the one you really want to grow old with.

I've got a schedule to stick to.
I've got a world to keep sweet.
It's so much to everyone all the time.
Will it ever slow down?
Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sigh...

It's a half life,
With you as my quarter back.
A daft life.

It's a half life,
With you as my quarter back.
A daft life.

You know you'll never be lonely,
No, you'll always be loved,
And maybe, you never need more than that.
But for the surplus that loves,
What's to become of us?
Does it even register on your conscience?

Long for one last show down,
From a box in a crowd.
Air compressed tight to explode.
I'm clentching my ticket to the only way out,
As you disappear in a puff of smoke.

It's a half life,
With you as my quarter back.
A daft life...

I feel it's time for my almost annual "proper" livejournal update. I seem to only update when I move house these days!
So yes, I'm moving again. This time though I'm moving into a flat where I can literally walk up the road to work. Also, I'll be living by myself. I got asked a couple of weeks ago, if I'd like to go and manage our Guisborough shop. It was a really tough decision for me. I feel like I've only just got settled into where I was. We'd finally started achieving, and I've been getting the respect and praise that I feel I deserve. Also, I've never done anything at all solely for my benefit. Basically my boss knew they needed to get a manager in, she wants someone who has a lot of dedication to put into the shop to help it perform (which she thinks I can do), and also she knows I drive over 50 miles a day to and from work, and how much it would improve my life overall if I didn't have to.
I decided in the end to take the job, because maybe it is about time I do something for myself. I know it's going to be really hard work, I don't doubt that for a second, but I know I'm willing to give it everything I've got. Then because I don't do anything by halves I decided to look for a place in Guisborough. I thought why not treat this as a chance to really gain some independence, and do things my way. It's going to cost me a lot of money, there's no denying that at all, but I'm never going to have the best paid job anyway, and if I don't do it now then when will I? Luckily, I've just been informed I'm also being given a pay rise, which is lovely! So everything's pretty much fitting into place. I move into the flat tomorrow, and the girls are going to come over on Saturday night, which will be nice.
I just wish everything was working so well with the rest of my life. I went out on Saturday for the first time in ages, and I did have a really good night, until I came home and ended up crying from about 4am til 6am. I woke up the next day and my eyes were so puffed up and sore. I miss one of my friends more than anything. It's all just so pathetic. We hadn't spoken for months until I got home and we spoke on facebook. Basically, one of my friends text me saying she'd heard a rumour he'd been cheating on his girlfriend, with his friend's girlfriend. Now, I could've chose to either not mention anything, and let everyone deal with it once the rumour had done even more damage, or tell him what I'd heard so he could set it straight. So I did what I thought any good friend would do, and told him. Then everyone thinks that I've made this rumour up because I'm trying to split them up. Now if I was going to start a rumour about someone, would I really then go tell them the rumour!? I don't know what he believes, I hope he knows me better than to believe that shite. He reckons we haven't spoken in a long time because he's busy, but then also mentioned it was because it's "difficult", as his girlfriend thinks I've made this rumour up. I know for a fact that she's probably been warned about me too. I just find it very unfair for someone to make an instant judgement without even knowing me, or the situation. So I've said to him that if he values anything about our last 5 years friendship, then he'll get in touch. If he wants to throw it all away, then don't. I won't understand it, but I will accept it and move on. It's just such a horrible shame. The amount of times I've been there for him when he's needed me, and it hasn't amounted to anything.
One thing that was said to me, when everything kicked off, was something like "I really feel for you, it must be really hard seeing him so happy with someone else". That hurt me more than anything, because I don't feel like that at all. If he's happy, then I'm more than happy. We were exes, a long long time ago, I don't refer to him like that anyway, and I don't expect to be referred to as that anymore. I just miss his company. Maybe I miss being someone who's relied on too. I suppose there's no point in caring about somebody who clearly doesn't feel the same, because if they did, things would be different.
I love the start of Bloc Party - So Here We Are. I think it's possibly my favourite song ever. I just don't get sick of it. Whenever I hear the start of it I get goosebumps. I was watching a film today and it came on, and I couldn't help but want to cry.
x

A dream of togetherness
Turned into a brighter mess
A faint sign my spoken best
Now, now

Make way for the simple hours
No finding the time it's ours
A fate or it's a desire
I know

So I was the lucky one
Reading letters, not writing them
Taking pictures of anyone
I know

So let the sunshine
So let the sunshine
So let the sunshine let it come
To show us that tomorrow is eventual
We know it when the day is done

You've got to catch an early plane
And it's no surprise I'm standing still
Another minute more is all I need
I'll never have enough

This room gets so cold in the winter
What will it take to heat this house?
I just want to feel comfortable
When there's only the two of us in my bed
My foot nearly brushes your leg
I can't draw it away
I can't push it forward
It lies stranded
It belongs to someone else

We knew each other once
This can't be what you want
But you didn't have to demolish me

I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I don't remember losing sight of your needs

I am not an acrobat
I cannot perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you

The sky is often used as a metaphor
I suppose that's because it's so big and expansive
When a long stranded cloud sits just above the horizon
Leaving a strip of clear blue beneath it
It becomes the panorama
And you turn your head 360 degrees
And the same line follows you round
If the land is sufficiently flat
Really nothing can be compared to it

I don't remember losing sight of your needs
I don't remember losing sight of your needs
Your needs

I am not an acrobat
I cannot perform these tricks for you
Losing all my balance
Falling from a wire made for you

I'm not exactly religious, but today at the funeral I heard what is now my favourite hymn. I had never heard it until today, but it's absolutely beautiful.

I watch the sunrise lighting the sky,
Casting its shadows near.
And on this morning bright though it be,
I feel those shadows near me.
But you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

I watch the sunlight shine through the clouds,
Warming the earth below.
And at the mid-day, life seems to say:
I feel your brightness near me.
For you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.


I watch the sunset fading away,
Lighting the clouds with sleep.
And as the evening closes its eyes,
I feel your presence near me.
For you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

I watch the moonlight guarding the night,
Waiting till morning comes.
The air is silent, earth is at rest
Only your peace is near me.
Yes, you are always close to me
Following all my ways.
May I be always close to you
Following all your ways, Lord.

R.I.P. Chris. x

something’s causing feet to fly,
rising like a dark knight
in silence
traffic’s slow with broken boats
heading for the sea
and I’m an island

I watched you disappear into the clouds
swept away into another town

the world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days

the sun is in the east,
rising for the beasts
and the beauties
if only I could tear it down,
plant it in the ground to warm your face

I built myself a castle on the beach
watching as it slid into the sea

the world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

through wars and harvest moons
I will wait for you.
the world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

Wow, it's been a really really long time.

I'll be pretty happy once this year is over, so much seems to have gone on, and not a lot of luck has really come my way. Maybe 2009 will be better.
So, what's happened this year...
I've managed 2 shops, & moved from Newcastle back to Teesside. I started to train the new apprentices. I met the general sales manager for our half of the country, and cried from being so stressed and unhappy, and then won a challenge she'd set out of every shop in the company. Made new friends, lost old friends, made up with old friends, lost new friends. I've been hurt & betrayed (but what would a year be without that?). I've returned to old old habits, but accepted the fact that after 5 years there's really nothing you can do about it, except from be grateful that this person's in your life. I went on holiday by myself, for the first time ever, was referred to as being "brave" and felt truly independent. I travelled long-haul for the first time, and met some fantastic people that I hope I will stay in touch with for a very long time. I also met some very inspiring people this year, people who give me hope, and I think hope is generally what keeps me going.
I've gone out every New Year's Eve since, well, since I've been going out I think, but this year is going to be spent staying in! Me and Jo decided we can't be arsed spending far too much money, it being way too packed and we're going to stay in at hers and be able to have a drink without dying in the queue for the bar. Her Mum's going to buy us some champers, and we're either going to get a take away or Jo's going to cook for us. It'll be strange not going out, but it's just another night isn't it! I mean, last year was spent at Sumo with Jo and Katie, the year before the Empire with Carl, year before the Crown with Carl, year before The Arena, so it'll be nice to do something different.
I'm currently just talking to someone who I've known for years, who I don't necessarily speak to regularly, just every so often, and it's got me thinking about the people I still keep in touch with now. I don't think I'd ever have predicted the people I'd still talk to now, whether they're from college, or school, or even after that. I guess some people you just click with, but I've realised that I don't want to feel obliged to have to stay in touch with certain people, when I really have no desire to. It's pretty true what people say about friends growing apart, sometimes it just happens.
Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas. xx

"With you I am calm; a pearl in your oyster
Head on my chest, a silent smile, a private kind of happiness
You see giant proclamations are all very well
But our love is louder than words."

Will post properly later...

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do.

I love it when a song comes on that used to really mean something, and you haven't heard it for ages.

Standing at the door of the Pink Flamingo crying in the rain
It was a kind of so-so love
And I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen again
You and I had to be the standing joke of the year
You were a runaround, a lost and found
And not for me, I feel

Take your hands off me, hey
I don't belong to you, you see
Take a look in my face for the last time
I never knew you, you never knew me
Say hello, goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye

We tried to make it work, you in a cocktail skirt
And me in a suit, but it just wasn't me
You're used to wearing less, and now you're life's a mess
So insecure you see
Well I've put up with all the scenes
And this is one scene that's going to be played my way

Take your hands off me, hey
I don't belong to you, you see
And take a look at my face for the last time
I never knew you, you never knew me
Say hello, goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye

Under the deep red lights I can see the makeup sliding down
Well hey little girl you will always make up
So take off that unbecoming frown
As for me, well, I'll find someone who's not going cheap in the sales
A nice little housewife who'll give me the steady life
And not keep going off the rails

Take your hands off me, hey
I don't belong to you, you see
Take a look in my face for the last time
I never knew you, you never knew me
Say hello, goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye
Wave goodbye
Say hello and wave goodbye
Say hello, wave goodbye
Goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye

We were born before the wind
Who are we to understand
We were born before the wind
Say goodbye
Through the rain, hail, sleet, and snow
Say goodbye
Get on the train
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye
In the wind and the rain, now, darling
Say goodbye
In the wind and the rain, now, darling

I'm currently reading Tony Parsons - Big Mouth Strikes Again, a collection of his articles, and one of them seemed to really strike a chord with me, so I thought I'd post it up here.

Platonic love – Tony Parsons
Nothing is quite as potent as a relationship that is never consummated. To love pure and chaste from afar – cynics will tell you that it just doesn’t happen, that those feelings cannot be. But many men have a secret love, a passion they keep hidden from the world, a torch they carry with them down all the days. And platonic love never sets you free.
“When I get what I want, I never want it again,” sings Courtney Love. Naturally you know the feeling – what makes the Seattle widow one hell of a woman is that she thinks just like a man – but the flipside is that when you don’t get what you want, then you want it for a lifetime.
But platonic love is more than just fancying someone that you never had the chance to knob. Platonic love is infinitely more than frustrated desire. It is the girl that got away. It is the baby that will never be born, the opportunity for salvation that will never be taken, the final chance for happiness that is missed – and missed forever.
Fantasists, dreamers, romantics of every hue – platonic love is made for them. Because platonic love can never be tarnished by habit, boredom or betrayal. A love that is never fulfilled is never tested in the real world. It does not wither and die with time. And so it grows stronger, deeper and ever more obsessional.
This kind of love can get out of control. For years you are locked into a courtship that never makes it to the altar – or even the bedroom. Platonic love is almost ludicrously romantic. A mid-afternoon cup of coffee in a sun-dapped café, an intense thirty minutes stolen between work and home, becomes an epiphany you will remember forever. Holding hands with your platonic love is more exciting than any blow-job. This is how you know that it is real. Platonic love grazes everything with magic.
Women are more pragmatic than us. Above the age of about thirteen, they will not spend too long mooning around after the unattainable. But there is a secret corner of every man’s heart that keeps one woman separate from the rest. We are driven to find a love that we can never spoil.
Platonic love should not be derided too easily. The love that remains constant in a changing world is to be cherished – even if it is never given a road test. Platonic love is the real thing.
The hard of heart don’t believe in it because they think that romance cannot exist in a vacuum. They think that real love cannot live without the exchange of bodily fluids, joint bank accounts, boring dinner parties and all the rest. But in a world where it is possible to sleep with someone without knowing their name, then surely it is possible to love someone without sleeping with them.
And, of course, you do sleep with them, if only in your dreams. Platonic love has a sexual charge that will never be diluted by the years. And if sexual technique is largely concerned with delaying the moment of release, then platonic love is when that moment is delayed for a lifetime.
It brings out the best in you. Platonic love puts you back in touch with yourself. It is true that your secret love never sees your dark side. You can’t betray a platonic love, you can’t leave the top off her toothpaste. But it would be wrong to say she doesn’t know you simply because she only sees your good side. She knows what you were like before you were hardened by all the goodbyes, by all the messy endings. She knows you better than anyone.
Some argue that platonic love is the last refuge of the emotionally stunted, the ones who screwed too many of the wrong women and screwed over too many of the right women. Maybe. Except that there has to be something righteous in loving someone – truly loving someone – and asking for nothing in return.
Platonic love can be a great comfort in your darkest hours – to know that she is out there, that she lives and breathes, makes this world a better place. But it is also a relationship of sweet sorrow, of almost unbearable pathos. What if? What if? Could it ever work? Would it be like all the rest? You will never know. But still you dream the impossible dream.
Because she always knows. You can’t make your heart a hostage to someone who doesn’t feel the same way. Fate, circumstance and quite probably her husband all conspire to keep you apart – but she knows how you feel and she feels the same way. Platonic love is requited love.
Don’t feel bad about a love that lives only in your dreams. Don’t feel ridiculous. You are not some lovesick teenager waiting for the telephone to ring. You know it is hopeless. You understand it can never be. But you continue to believe, you continue to want the best for her. You don’t stop caring even when you know that there is nothing in it for you. And that’s what makes platonic love feel like the greatest love of all.

sold a penny to the railroad
nothing gained and nothing lost
kept it underneath the pillow
and sent it out to you for your thoughts
will you hold it close to your heart
or will you lose it the same day
will you throw it in the well
to gently wish me away
do you really want me here
do you really want me to stay
do you really want me gone
do you really want to wish me away
the television glow will keep you
safe and warm when you're alone
and you won't be frightened by
ghosts of birds that fly around the room
and terrorize you flying
I'm wide awake now
you're sound asleep now
and these valiums are finally kicking in
I can feel it under my skin
I can feel your breath on my breath
I can feel your heart on my arm
I can see the glow in the room
I can see the hummingbird fly away
now I can feel your weight in my arms
I can feel this weight on my heart
do you really want me to stay
do you really want me to go away
I'm wide awake now
you're sound asleep now

So instead of my usual posting lyrics, I'm currently loving certain movie quotes, including these three:

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

and...

"And you left him, just like that?"
"It's the only way to leave. I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
"Supposing you do still love them?"
"You don't leave."

and also...

"At the end of every day, every single kind of pie has been nearly eaten, except for the blueberry which remains untouched."
"Why does nobody want the blueberry?"
"Well I don't know, it's the choices people make I guess, and you can't blame the blueberry pie for that. It's just that nobody wants it."

Since we fell apart I've been nothing but blue
Longing for a night-time to bring back my youth
Every night in motion, together, apart
Apart from the moments so dear to my heart

We were made in the dark

Since I stole this song we have made a new start
My premonition hits hard as our start is apart
Every night the motion must be fixed by glue
But babe, be careful, what's fixed as one breaks in two

We were made in the dark

So in about 6 hours I go on holiday... by myself, and I'm half excited, half absolutely shitting myself. It's not the part about actually being in the resort by myself, it's being in Palma airport, which is proper huge, and what if I get lost, and what if my bag doesn't turn up, or the bus goes without me. I always worry about the small things. Once I'm actually there, sat down, in my room I'll be absolutely fine! Until it's time to come back again, obviously.
I'm really not very organised, I'm currently watching the hills, with a glass of wine, my packings sort of half done, I still need to get a shower, etc. I think the bag I got for my hand luggage may be a tad oversized, so I might have to take a different one instead. I could do with a nap too.
I just can't wait to go away at all. I'm really looking forward to an amazing 4 nights doing nothing by myself with just books, and my ipod! Eeeeeeep.
xx


I’m in to myself
On uncertain terms
I put gin in my milk
To kill all the germs
As I pray for the day
That life will return
And I pray for myself
But I never learn
No I never learn

See I really like you
But I’m nothing like you
I try oh so hard
But don’t get so far
You get my respect
But we don’t connect
Were in it together
So I’ll love you forever
I love you forever

And so it rains on

No one gives a fuck about the values I would die for
Not the faceless civil servants
The rudimentary crack whore
No one gives two fucks about the values I would kill for
Give them something to die for
Give me something to die for

You won’t really see me
I live in old movies
Cloaked tightly in sin
So they wont come in

Its like spying on cities
Through cracks in the floor
Thought I knew what the blag was
But now I’m not sure
What do I know anymore?

And no one gives a fuck
About the values I would die for
Not the baseist civil servant
The rudimentary crack whore
And no one gives two fucks
About the values I could kill for
Give them something to die for
Give me something to die for

Still I’m into myself
On uncertain terms.
I put gin in my milk
It kills all the germs
As I pray for the day
That life will return
And I pray for myself
But I never learn
No I’ll never learn

No one gives a fuck
About the values I would die for
Not the faceless civil servant
A rudimentary crack whore
No one gives two fucks
About the values I would kill for
Give me something to die for
Give me something to die for

No one’s too perturbed
About the things that I would cry for
I’ve been trying all my life
Until there’s nothing left to try for
No one’s too perturbed
About the things that I would live for
Give me something to try for
Give me something to try for

I'm hoping that my RSM will authorise that I can have a week off starting 11th July, even though it's going to leave us a little bit short on staff. I need to get away by myself, and there's a holiday to Sorrento that my vouchers will just about pay for. I just need to spend some time by myself, away from everything and everyone. All the things I moved away from, and foolishly thought I missed.
I've not felt this hurt in a long time. I now remember why I've avoided these situations since the last time. I imagined as you get older it gets easier, but I think it's the opposite. It just gets harder. You only feel more let down, and more of a stupid mug for letting yourself get into it.
I feel like I've just lost my best friend more than anything. Fuck this.


From the littlest things
To the pain that it brings
Down to the things you miss the most
But you won't let yourself go
No you won't let yourself

'Cause time and time again
We feel the load a little more
But if you let yourself go
Then we won't hit that road

'Cause I can see the sky
But it's yours to be seen
If you can be with someone else
If you can let yourself go
If you can let yourself

But is this the time
Is this the place?
And "is this the end?"
Is all I can say

I promise I never meant to turn you away
Why did you trust me with your heart?

So consider the things
From the pain that it brings
Down to the things you miss the most
And if you let yourself go
Well then the next thing you know

Is I have seen this guy
And he's looking at me
Yeah and he thinks I'm something else
So you can walk yourself home
Yeah you can go

Even though you waited
I know that you can begin on your own
You can begin on your own

But is this the time
Is this the place?
And "is this the end?"
Is all I can say

I promise I never meant to turn you away
Why did you trust me with your heart?

I promise I never meant to turn you away
Why did you trust me with your heart?

I honestly don't know why I even bother. Infact, I'm just not going to anymore. Thought I'd learnt a while ago that I should never settle for anything less than the way I feel too.

On a rack in a store for a discount price
But the color’s been changed to a black from white
Though the difference will prob’ly be lost on me
Anyways

And don’t worry if laughter is on your lips
Cause you wouldn’t be you if you changed for this
And I won’t measure love from the tears that drip
From your face

I can't wait for you
I can't wait for you

I suppose i should hope that it turns out fine
But I hope that some sadness does cross your mind
And you’ll look for me when you have crossed that line
Come one day

I can't wait for you
I can't wait for you
I can't wait for you

I think I confuse myself more than anyone sometimes. See, normally I'm the type of person who jumps into relationships, who loves nothing more than actually being in a relationship... but at the moment I'm really not sure what I want at all. I'm not saying I have the option at the moment, but I was thinking about it today, and I realised that maybe that's not what I want. Maybe I just couldn't handle the effort of that at the moment. Maybe all I actually want is to be liked.
I'm quite sick of silly games, yet they prove to be fun and like some sort of entertainment to me lately. I mean, how boring would life be without this to-ing and fro-ing? All I know is that when I do know what I want, I'll know it straight away, and it will be the right thing to do. For the moment, I'm just going to enjoy myself.
x

Should I decide it’s true? That you might leave if given half the chance to go and I be left here on my own, to find myself in bed, wishing everything that changed would be the same.

Room still looks like you, it’s so nice and all the pictures on the shelf, dusted off by someone else, to keep me company, having told her that your thoughts still linger on.

Everyday is another chance to bury my regret. Everyday is another chance to make it, but I can’t, but I can’t, but I can’t.

I saw you on my phone, on a contact list that isn’t up to date, would’ve changed it with more time, I required to. In my mind with all the freckles on your face. I reconciled with you’re ring I bought you is buried deep within the ground, behind the swing where we first met, a memory on this earth to remind of all the bruises that you forgave.

Everyday is another chance to bury my regret. Everyday is another chance to make it, but I can’t, but I can’t, but I can’t.

Should I decide it’s true, to return if given half the chance to go? And it’s not true, but it’s not true.

Last night I was talking to Mark in the kitchen, and I started talking about my Grandad quite randomly, when I suddenly stopped and said "Oh God, it's April, what date is it?" and Mark said "The 24th why?" and I realised that it was the night of the 25th that my Grandad died... 5 years ago.

I hadn't forgotten. Just the date had totally escaped me. I think about my Grandad all the time. I wonder if he'll be proud of me. I'm not so sure. I'd give anything to be able to see him again. Absolutely anything. He wasn't just my Grandad, he was like my Dad. It got me thinking the other night, that one day, in my life I have to face the fact that my Mam and Steve won't be here anymore, I know that's such a depressing thing to think about... but it made me realise, and my heart goes out to all those people who miss somebody, who've had to deal with that. Maybe it's a part of growing up that we all have to deal with. It never gets easier, the pain never fades... but neither do the memories. It's times like this that I realise how important memories are, and that they should be made at every opportunity, because that's how people remember you.

So here's to the memories.

You were once my one companion
you were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father,
then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive, teach me to live
give me the strength to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye